New York, the mad house

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New York, the mad house

Post by jcarnes on Sun Jan 10, 2010 4:39 pm

New York, a.k.a. hell on earth, a.k.a. the big tomato tree, a.k.a. the empire state, a.k.a. target number 2 for the British, was the second state to enter the Union and the only one to do so under the presidency of George Jefferson.

New York was won by the Native Americans from the Indians in the year 907 a.d. in the year 1509 the Pennsylvania Dutch sailed to New York by using the Panama Canal and renamed New York to New Amsterdam after their beloved leader, Sir Walter ‘iCar’ Smith. Do not ask me how that got that name. Some years later, the American-French revolution broke out and brought Disco to the ‘new world’. Every place that had ‘new’ in its name now found itself under covers because of ‘Saturday Night Fever.’ Thankfully this craze ended when Kiss finally finished selling out.

Late in the 1800’s, the now re-named (again) New Yorkers found that the giant rock in the middle of the bay looked kind of like a woman. A vote was cast to decide what to do with the hideous thing. 59% of the voters wanted it to be made into a stripper. 21% of the voters said they wanted it turned into a wall to put around the city incase the Ewok overlords should decide to come back. 49% of the voters said make it into a giant stop sign that would point out to sea for all the newbs to see. 38% of the voters wanted it to be a dead end sign, upon seeing the extra slot that said ‘dead end’ the 49% that wanted it made into a stop sign changed their vote to ‘dead end’. This caused the famous recount of 1801 that lasted until 1983 when the French stole it and made it into a woman holding a torch so that they could put their smelly cheese into it so Paris wouldn’t stink no more. Unfortunately, Ms. Hilton didn’t like being clean. This started the show, ‘The Simple Life’ and American t.v. ratings went down to just above the value of the Mexican peco. It has yet to recover.

Other than being the first capital of the nation, New Yorkers are among the first people that foreign people will meet. In an attempt to show the new people the power of the new nation, New York had all the streets made from gold. This caused more people to come to the nation, making the U.S. army into the strongest navy in the world. After 3 years of replacing the gold that was stolen in the streets, congress got an idea: Pave the road with lead. 5 years later, 12 people died from lead poisoning and the entire state was sentenced to life without the possibility of parole.

In the year 1975, Wall Street was hit hard when a wrecking crew thought that it was a building scheduled for demolition. In 2020, the Israel courts deemed the entire thing an accident and forced George Washington Lopez to pay a sum of 10,000,000 Euros (200 U.S. dollars) to fix the problem. Outraged, the people of New York hired the SCSF. Upon receiving their fee of 3 virgins, 2 goats and a half million British Pounds, the SCSF sprang into action. An attack was launched on California and a road was stolen. Thanks to the police being too busy beating the shot at by the citizens of L.A., this attack went largely unnoticed, even by those living on the street. After receiving their new street, the people of New York would suffer many hardships, mainly because they stopped making their navy from Styrofoam and cardboard, this decision would come back to haunt the state for many years to come.

The most notable thing that has happened in New York in the past 900 years is the Red Scare of 1800 b.c. when the Soviets sent in some people in red sheets to scare the children on Chinese new year. 40 million died.

State bird: the middle finger

State dog: foreign people dressed like cats. They are forced to act in plays

State soda: The Blood of the Innocent by Coke

State football team: the Olde New York War Hawks

State song: Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson

State profession: Thief. This usually comes in the form of law enforcement or lawyers.

State motto: do I need to call Captain Super-Batman?

Preferred transportation: the crapless horse(taxi).

Highest state population: -7

Lowest state pop: 9,000

State food: baked turkeys from Greece.

State movie: How Hitler beat the Soviets c.a. 1939

Official religion: Shopping

State pastime: dressing up like shrilly temple and spanking themselves with a hockey stick.

5 of the past 40 elections, New Yorkers have voted primarily dixicrat. This caused the Confederacy of Independent Systems (CIS) to attack and make them vote for Bill Clinton during the 2004 elections.

An interesting fact: the state of New York sued Energizer because a New Yorker was arrested for assault with a Duracell battery.

a/n: i posted 2 in one day because i had already posted these two on the other forum. i will TRY to post a new one once a week, but no guarantees.
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