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Virginia... Empty Virginia...

Post by jcarnes on Mon Jan 18, 2010 10:03 pm

Virginia. The state known for being split in the middle of a war. The state known for breading presidents.

During the South Carolina-Microsoft war of 1861-1865, Virginia was home to a split cause. Half the state hated Microsoft, while the other half loved it. In 1863 ‘West’ Virginia broke off of ‘East Virginia’. This is why we now have a North and South Christmas.

Virginia lost the most of any southern state when Microsoft dropped a Vista bomb on Richmond. This caused the computers to crash into an un-repairable state of Microsoftness (not to be confused with the male computers inability to mate (this is also why all non apple computers are referred to as clones (not to be confused with the iClone))).

The most well known president to come from Virginia was George Lopez Washington Bush the 1st. Not only being the first king, he was and still is the most renowned Emperor of America. George the 1st often wondered around his palace in ‘East Virginia’ looking for ways to expand the country… not westward, but eastward. In 1880, the beloved King George the 1st declared war on the Atlantic Ocean. This war is still raging with no end in sight. The Ocean and her forces have lost countless water particles, but the U.S. army, navy and marines have yet to lose one man.

Virginia, originally called ‘New Virgin Land’, was ,ironically, settled by English prostitutes in 1100 b.c. The name was changed when Sir Walter ‘iCar’ Smith saw a part of someone that he shouldn’t have (at a disco), thus he changed the name to ‘Montana’. This didn’t catch on until the Vikings had already beaten the soviets and won control over ‘New Montana’. Forced to change its name one last time, Virginia chose to be called ‘myspace’. Ten years later the Chesapeake Bay was the spot that Darth Vader choose to force myspace and France to sign a peace treaty that ended World War 3. One clause in the peace treaty said that myspace had to change its name. After a court battle over where the new state would make its home, Virginia was born to a virgin named Queen Elizabeth the temperatest. When the news got to the nameless state all hell broke loose. Our beloved leader (of TGO) forgot to lock the gates of hell. Anyway, the nameless state made the choice to take Virginia’s name as their state’s name. And that’s why the nightmare on Elm Street happened.

In an attempt to regain its former glory, Virginia bought 40,000 Hello Kitty atomic powered-internet enabled war robots. They are expected to defeat the Washington iClones in their next major battle for the title of ‘World Champion’.

More recently, a SCSF lead assault on Virginia’s H.Q. reviled a plan that would destroy the sun and make Jupiter into a class ‘B’ i.p. address… with a class ‘A’ subnet. Thankfully, the South Carolina Special Forces took the files and have yet to say where they ‘lost’ them.

State bird: the wig-wearing Eagle

State soda: Mountain Dew… (see state currency)

State motto: “FOR FREEDOM FROM (insert name rebelling from)!!!!!”

State currency: Moonshine a.k.a. Mountain Dew a.k.a. White Lightenin.

State profession: President making

State pastime: nude snipe hunting (not to be confused with hunting nude snipes)

State currency: speeding tickets

State soda: pop. They will pop you upside your head for asking for it.

State song: Particle Man by They Might be Giants.

State movie: how to make candy: a documentary on the ‘chocolate’ that cats leave after they relieve themselves.

State allegiance: Virginia owes its loyalty to no man, however, it loves fighting over dead bodies for the love of West Virginia (it’s child).

Side effects may include, but aren't limited to: Instant death, am American embargo, flying purple ponies, fear of abandonment, embarrassing wet places, itchy teeth, phantom itch, fear of the Amish, Floridaphobia, Trekkie-ites, love of plaid, a warp core breach...
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